SportsPhysical Therapy Office Politely Declines Daniel Jones’ Offer Of Framed, Signed Jersey For WallEAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Insisting repeatedly that they just didn’t have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones’ offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall.…
BaseballMLB Loses Millions of Stats In Warehouse FireSAN FRANCISCO—As front-office executives surveyed the damage done to their record-keeping facility, Major League Baseball announced Monday that it had lost millions of stats Monday in a devastating warehouse blaze. “It is with a heavy heart that I…
BaseballMLB Reminds White Sox That Games TelevisedCHICAGO—With the franchise on track to have what may be the single worst season in the modern history of the sport, Major League Baseball sought to remind the Chicago White Sox on Friday that the team’s games were televised. “Based on the way you’re…
BasketballCaitlin Clark Supplements Rookie Salary By Taking Adjunct Professor Of Basketball JobINDIANAPOLIS—Saying she figured she could do course prep while traveling to away games on the team bus, WNBA star Caitlin Clark told reporters she had begun supplementing her rookie salary this week with a second job as an adjunct professor of…
SportsSportsWimbledon Trying To Excite Us, But The Ball Still Just Goes Back And Forth All DayLONDON—As the prestigious tennis event entered the quarterfinals, unenthused sources confirmed Tuesday that although…PublishedJuly 9, 2024
SportsNews In PhotosSportsNews In PhotosWimbledon Enters Third Round Of Centuples TournamentPublishedJuly 9, 2024
SportsBasketballSportsBasketballCaitlin Clark Brushes Off 23 Stab Wounds From Own TeammatesLAS VEGAS—Following another highly physical game for the rookie point guard, Indiana Fever player Caitlin Clark…PublishedJuly 3, 2024
SportsSportsRafael Nadal Withdraws From Wimbledon To Spend More Time Pressing Tennis Racket Against Face To Make Waffle Marks‘Please, Call Me Waffle Face,’ Says Tennis LegendPublishedJune 26, 2024
SportsBaseballSportsBaseballRelaxed Orioles Security Will Get Around To Removing Fan From Field In Another Inning Or SoBALTIMORE—Vowing to eventually address the hooligan, relaxed Orioles security guard Rob McKenzie told reporters…PublishedJune 24, 2024
SportsBasketballSportsBasketballThe Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Caitlin ClarkCaitlin Clark, who rose to fame while playing basketball at the University of Iowa, recently became embroiled in…PublishedJune 10, 2024
SportsSportsApologetic Pat McAfee Makes Donation To Charity That Helps White BitchesINDIANAPOLIS—Saying he was deeply sorry about any pain his recent remarks about WNBA star Caitlin Clark might have…PublishedJune 4, 2024
SportsSportsAaron Rodgers Rants To Pat McAfee About Windows 11 Tips And Tricks After Going Down Wrong YouTube Rabbit HoleINDIANAPOLIS—Saying there were powerful people out there who didn’t want this information getting out, New York…PublishedMay 28, 2024
SportsSportsMan Starstruck To See Caitlin Clark, Indiana Fever At Greyhound Bus StationINDIANAPOLIS—Whipping his head around in a double take, local man Dean Wilson was reportedly starstruck Tuesday…PublishedMay 21, 2024
SportsSportsFemale Athletes React To Nike’s Revealing Olympic UniformsNike came under fire recently after its women’s uniforms for the U.S. Olympic track and field team appeared far more…PublishedApril 24, 2024
SportsBasketballSportsBasketballPros And Cons Of Caitlin Clark Going To The WNBAIowa women’s basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly…PublishedApril 18, 2024
SportsSportsSports Bettors Explain How They Would Have Used $16 Million Of Ohtani’s MoneyIppei Mizuhara, the interpreter for Shohei Ohtani, allegedly stole $16 million from the Dodgers star and lost $40…PublishedApril 17, 2024
SportsBaseballSportsBaseballNobody In Entire Dodgers Organization Has Heart To Tell Ohtani What Going On With InterpreterLOS ANGELES—Confessing that they couldn’t stand the thought of bursting their teammate’s perfect little bubble,…PublishedApril 12, 2024
SportsBasketballSportsBasketballMen Explain Why They Could Outscore Caitlin ClarkAfter the Iowa star became the all-time Division 1 scoring leader with 3,900 points this year, The Onion interviewed…PublishedApril 5, 2024
SportsSportsEverything We Know About Jake Paul Boxing Mike TysonIn what many are calling one of the most hotly anticipated sporting events of the season, YouTube influencer turned…PublishedMarch 25, 2024
SportsBasketballNCAASportsBasketballNCAAEveryone On Division III College Basketball Team 5-Foot-9COLUMBUS, OH—Saying the roster was absolutely stacked with nimble little guys, sources confirmed Friday that every…PublishedMarch 22, 2024