Ippei Mizuhara, the interpreter for Shohei Ohtani, allegedly stole $16 million from the Dodgers star and lost $40 million while gambling with the funds. The Onion asked sports bettors to explain how they would have used the money, and this is what they said.
“Convert it to crypto, sit back, and watch it all disappear.”
“Not sure. My wife won’t let me put more than $50 on my DraftKings account.”
“Make the minimum monthly payment on my student loans.”
“Set up a trust to help provide for the little Ohtani when he’s older.”
“I would buy 3,200,000 Costco rotisserie chickens, duh.”
“Probably would have just returned it. What do I need $16 million for?”
“I’d park it at the penny slots for the next 300 years and enjoy the ride.”
“I probably would have gambled it all away on medical bills like a degenerate.”
“I don’t think all that cash would fit in the tattered plastic bag I use to keep track of my clients’ money.”
“I would put it all on Perdue. Then I’d keep it, because I meant myself.”
“I’d put it all on the ’85 Bears.”
“I’d use my winnings to buy my pinkie back.”
“I don’t really have experience dealing in numbers with more than two or three zeros.”
“I’d put down a $16 million bet on my inability to responsibly handle that amount of cash. Easy money, baby.”
“I’d have only put that money on winning bets, whereas Ohtani’s interpreter only bet on losing bets.”
“I’ve got some insider stock-trading tips I’d probably invest it in.”
“I’d use it to bet on niche sports no one knows anything about, like basketball.”
“Thankfully I’ve broken my addiction in recent years through hard work and the love of friends. So I’d probably just put it in something safe like Bitcoin.”
“Probably just start with a few thousand on a parlay at Bally’s Atlantic City. Then I’d lose that. Then I’d try ten. Probably lose that, too. I’d grab a drink, then come back and really make a big move: hundred-thou. That wouldn’t work out. And then, fuck it, the night’s going bad enough—I’m all in. And that would not work out well. Then I’d kill myself.”
“I would have simply placed it on something foolproof like the stock market, which famously always goes up.”
“Still feel like if I just put a few thousand more on the Cardinals, they would have won in the 2013 World Series.”