WASHINGTON—With shards of glass flying as the 2-year-old German shepherd crashed through a window, White House staff reportedly panicked Wednesday after an apparently unstoppable Commander Biden burst without warning into the Oval Office. “No, boy, no—oh God!” a Secret Service agent screamed an instant before the recently exiled first dog vaulted off a sofa and ripped out his throat, splattering blood on the Resolute desk as all remaining personnel fled from the room. According to sources, Secret Service agents opened fire at Commander as the president’s pet charged down a hallway toward them at an estimated 35 miles per hour, their eyes widening in terror and their hands trembling as they noticed their ammunition was only bouncing off the dog’s coat. Eyewitnesses confirmed the seemingly unkillable animal had gained at least 200 pounds of muscle since he was removed from the executive residence last month. At press time, Commander was said to have smashed down the steel door of the White House’s subterranean bunker, where he was seen wagging his tail and dropping the head of a Secret Service agent at President Joe Biden’s feet.