Following the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden’s younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they said.
“That kind of conduct is only appropriate for Black neighbors.”
“Okay, but the 11th one really deserved it.”
“That’s nothing. When I was in the Obama administration, I ate one of his kids.”
“That is not a dog. That is a man in a hyper-realistic dog costume.”
“My client Commander Biden asks that you respect his privacy at this time.”
“But that’s impossible. Biting is forbidden.”
“Not all of us German Shepherds are biters. Some of us are weapons-trained.”
“It’s despicable! Hearing about that has got me so mad I could just hump.”
“I don’t have any opinion because I’m a dog.”
“Yet another case of Joe Biden using his political influence to protect a guilty member of the family.”
“What are you doing with your life? You’re midway through a slideshow of dogs talking about another dog? Why?”
“Learning to neutralize the president’s perimeter is just obedience training 101.”
“Sometimes hands taste like hot dogs, so the potential reward far outweighs the consequences.”
“It’s frustrating this is getting so much news coverage, meanwhile we haven’t heard a single peep about the bowl of treats on top of the fridge.”
“Look at my big droopy cheeks! Awwwww. Sorry what was the question?”
“Were there sausages involved? Maybe it’s not right, but we tend to look the other way when there’s sausages involved. We’re never thinking straight when they’re near.”
“Hello. Bark, bark.”
“I’m sorry. I’m in heat so I’m too horny to think about this. I’m going to go lie down and moan in the corner.”
“Dogs reflect their owners. Which makes sense based on how many times Joe Biden has bitten his Secret Service agents.”
“This is really the human’s fault for being made out of meat.”
“You ever seen da Sopranos? So cool. I would bite Richie Aprile right in da jewels.”
“Frankly, they should put Biden down.”
“This is nothing compared to the time he dug up all of Arlington National Cemetery.”