In addition to being underpaid for teaching their lessons, providing childcare, and serving as mentors to the next generation, teachers are also underpaid for protecting their students from armed assailants. The Onion asked teachers why they need to be able to carry guns in the classroom, and this is what they said.
“I just love the looks on their dumb little faces when they’re acting up and I put my hand on my holster.”
“To protect myself from all the other teachers with guns in their classrooms.”
“I just want to give my students something fun to steal.”
“I need a way to neutralize a shooter in the event he isn’t down to wrestle.”
“I’ve given up on respect and am ready to settle for fear.”
“So I can easily kill myself when the stress of being underpaid consumes me.”
“My classroom machete just isn’t getting the job done.”
“Bullets stop paper airplanes mid-flight.”
“Prop guns just can’t generate the same excitement from an audience.”
“The student-teacher ratio is 40-to-1. I’m outnumbered.”
“The average mile time drastically improves if you run at students with it.”
“If that bitch Mrs. Sampson is gonna be packing, then you’d better fucking believe I will too.”
“I find it adds a sense of urgency to the quadratic formula.”
“I could save a few bucks on lunch by sticking up the cafeteria.”
“There’s a cop hiding in the closet from the last shooting, and I don’t know how else to get rid of him.”
“It’s reassuring to know I’ll be shot to death while fumbling for a weapon I’ve never once used when it mattered.”
“I can’t be worse at stopping a mass shooter than the police are.”