BOWLING GREEN, OH—Complaining about the “woke mind virus” that had taken over the campus, Bowling Green State University economics professor Gerard Admussen told reporters Monday that the overly sensitive college students require a trigger warning before seeing his penis. “Back in my day, seeing a teacher’s half-erect penis was the norm, but now these babies are all about needing consent before I whip out my dick,” said Admussen, adding that having a civilized exchange of cock was just a part of growing up and you couldn’t live your life walking on eggshells every time you heard a zipper pulled down. “If you can’t handle a little foreskin now, how are you going to deal with it when you’re out in the real world where penises are flying at you everywhere? Radical leftists with their political correctness have gone too far, and I’m going to make sure no one’s boners are censored, especially my own.” At press time, Admussen confirmed that only the biggest snowflakes had dropped out of his class.