SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing the extra steps it took to ensure the sex lives of its customers remained public, telehealth company Hims announced a new indiscreet shipping option Thursday that alerts neighbors to an impending erection. “With Hims’ new indiscreet packaging option, it will be obvious to everyone that you just got a shipment of pills that will make your flaccid penis hard,” said Hims CEO Andrew Dudum, adding that the box would include large, neon text that read “Boner incoming,” as well as a highly realistic image of aroused male genitalia. “Unlike other telehealth brands, we want everyone within several square miles of your house to know that you, an impotent man, will soon have a big old boner. That’s why we’ve also included speakers in the packaging that blare warnings at a volume of 30 decibels or higher, and can only be disabled when the erection has subsided.” At press time, sister company Hers announced a new indiscreet packaging option that would loudly alert neighbors to how infrequently their pathetic partner managed to make them come.