Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefPrince William, Prince Harry Settle Dispute With Arranged Marriages Between ChildrenLONDON—In an effort to get past the acrimony stirred up by a recent Netflix documentary, Prince William and Prince…PublishedDecember 19, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefReport: Over 10,000 Pedestrians Struck Annually By Drivers Rushing To Beat McDonald’s Breakfast Cut-Off TimeWASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration found that more than…PublishedDecember 19, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefElon Musk Hides In Dark Twitter Office As Landlord Bangs On Door Demanding RentSAN FRANCISCO—Hissing at his remaining employees to close the blinds and stay out of sight, Elon Musk reportedly hid…PublishedDecember 16, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefSubway Introduces Mandatory 72-Hour Psychiatric Hold For Anyone Thinking Of Ordering SandwichMILFORD, CT—Rolling out the new mental health initiative at locations nationwide, fast food chain Subway announced…PublishedDecember 16, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In Brief‘America’s Test Kitchen’ Begs Middle-Aged Women To Stop Sending Them PantiesBOSTON—Emphasizing that it was not just vulgar, but also a serious food safety hazard, representatives from America’s…PublishedDecember 16, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefGates Foundation Unveils Initiative To Give Starving Africans Fat SuitsSEATTLE—As part of the organization’s mission to address the most pressing issues on the world’s poorest continent,…PublishedDecember 15, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefAncestry Website Shows Chart Of Which Dead People Busted Loads Inside Other Dead PeopleMISSOULA, MT—In a display presenting a rich, detailed portrait of their family histories and ancestral lineages,…PublishedDecember 15, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNation Forgives Harvey Weinstein After He Gets Really Good At FootballLOS ANGELES—The American people have reportedly forgiven Harvey Weinstein Wednesday after discovering the disgraced…PublishedDecember 14, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefJohnson & Johnson Raises Price Of Band-Aids To $100,000 ApieceNEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Attributing the move to unspecified supply chain issues, Johnson & Johnson reportedly raised the…PublishedDecember 14, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefElon Musk Receives Experimental Neuralink Implant In Attempt To Delete Memory Of Being BooedSAN FRANCISCO—Following a traumatizing incident on stage at a recent Dave Chappelle show, tech entrepreneur Elon…PublishedDecember 13, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNation That Can’t Agree Upon Rules Of ‘Uno’ Attempts To Come To Ideological ConsensusWASHINGTON—Hoping to move forward and find common ground upon which the unified will of its people might gain a…PublishedDecember 13, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefGod Reveals Frogs’ Mouths Designed Specifically To Feel Awesome On PenisTHE HEAVENS—Describing the sensation as the most pleasurable experience in the universe, God Almighty, Our Lord and…PublishedDecember 12, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been CastratedNEW YORK—Saying the hosts’ personal lives had become a distraction that threatened the program’s journalistic…PublishedDecember 9, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefD.C. Landlord Clarifies He Rejected Gen Z Congressman Because He’s BlackWASHINGTON—In response to the Gen Z congressman-elect’s tweet that his apartment application was turned down due to…PublishedDecember 9, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefU.S. Economy Rallies After Fed Releases Long List Of All The Fun Stuff Money Can Buy‘Speedboats, Video Games, Ice Cream,’ Says Fed Chair Jerome PowellPublishedDecember 9, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefGod Kicking Self For Not Coming Up With HentaiTHE HEAVENS—The Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, told reporters Friday he was…PublishedDecember 9, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefElon Musk Worried He Won’t Have Enough Twitter Employees Left To Fire On Christmas EveSAN FRANCISCO—Expressing concern that he might have totally ruined the holiday season, Elon Musk reportedly worried…PublishedDecember 8, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefHerschel Walker Scrambles To Collect Dozens Of Fetuses That Fell Out Of Pants PocketATLANTA—Crawling on his hands and knees in an attempt to scoop up as many as he could before anyone at the campaign…PublishedDecember 6, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefRising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And CryingAUSTIN, TX—A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason…PublishedDecember 6, 2022
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNew Square Feature Allows Customers To Tip With Bible QuoteSAN FRANCISCO—Updating the payment system to make sermonizing to service workers more efficient, a new Square…PublishedDecember 6, 2022