Former President Donald Trump and current President Biden squared off for the first presidential debate of 2024 on CNN. The Onion’s fact checkers diligently combed through 90 minutes of pure slop to categorize the candidate’s statements as true or false.
Trump: “They’re killing our citizens at a rate we’ve never seen before.”
FALSE: We do pretty well ourselves, thank you very much.
Trump: “Biden is a very bad Palestinian.”
TRUE: Biden is far too alive to be Palestinian.
Biden And Trump, In Tandem: “Somewhere in the Plains, the lawless one is born tonight.”
FALSE: The Antichrist isn’t scheduled to be born until the second presidential debate Sept. 10, 2024.
Trump To Biden: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
FALSE: Mental health experts agree that shame is a counterproductive emotion.
Biden: “If I’m elected, I will restore Roe v. Wade.”
TRUE: That’s why he diligently oversaw its repeal.
Trump: “We have a system that is rigged and disgusting.”
TRUE: You’re seeing it on full display.
Biden: “Putin is a war criminal.”
UNCLEAR: The Onion’s fact-checking algorithm has been overrun by Russian propaganda.
Trump: “Joe could be a convicted felon as soon as he gets out of office.”
FALSE: President Biden will not live past Dec. 2024.