ATLANTA—Stressing that they wished they had talked about this months ago instead of waiting until now, a relieved Donald Trump and Joe Biden ended the first presidential debate of 2024 Thursday after realizing neither of them really wanted to be president. The two candidates, who had been bitter enemies along the campaign trail, reportedly stopped the debate when Biden abruptly admitted he didn’t want to do this anymore, at which point Trump perked up, said, “Wait, you too?” and revealed that he was just running because he thought Biden wanted to win. According to sources, the two former commanders-in-chief then burst into laughter and said, “Same, I fucking hate this country.” Despite protests from moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, Biden and Trump proceeded to remove their microphones, ties, and jackets, walk towards the exit, hug, and then hop into a red convertible, speeding off into the sunset together. At press time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had reportedly been declared the next president of the United States after being the only person in the entire nation dumb enough to take the job.