According to a Pentagon report, the White House pharmacy under Trump dispensed huge quantities of controlled substances like Xanax, Ambien, and Provigil, often to ineligible patients. The Onion reveals what happened when staff reportedly used copious amounts of speed, sedatives, and alcohol to deal with the stress of the job.
More evidence of the Trump administration’s dangerous commitment to socialism.
The bombshell report revealed that the whiny senior advisor was always wringing his hands and saying things like, “Guys, I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
We can help you out with that, gentlemen.
Reading about rampant Xanax abuse in Trump’s White House explains the official switch from Francis Scott Key’s classic to the Radiohead song of the same name.
Doesn’t seem like as much of an epidemic when you consider nine in 10 people who died from opioids were directly employed by then-President Trump.
If you’re in the Miami area, it’s $5 a pop.
According to the report, the former president could barely handle 17 Ambien before passing out.
Just goes to show that your social exclusion goes all the way to the top.
Scream all you want, Mr. President, they can’t even feel their body.
While the scene might have seemed embarrassing on its face, the Clemson players absolutely loved it.
Those dorks in the Biden administration would probably be too scared to even try Valium.
Unclear whether this is a point for or against him.
Despite its dangerous gastrointestinal effects, White House staffers were regularly observed drinking glass after glass of Fairlife.
Senior officials willfully turned a blind eye to the kitschy signs warning of improper stimulant use.
The first day Major Biden moved into the White House he ate several unmarked pills and has been a bloodthirsty monster ever since.
Think Scandal meets Grey’s Anatomy. It’d be a hit!
Painkillers like Advil, Motrin, and even Icy Hot were all regularly doled out to senior staffers—often without a prescription.
After ingesting so many uppers, he insisted on climbing up the terrace until he could hop through a window on the second floor.
Abusing the drug was nothing more than an act of patriotism.
Holy shit, her voice is all vocodered and stuff.
Staffers had to rely on pills like Viagra in order to stay hard 24 hours a day around Donald Trump.
After ingesting fistfuls of drugs, employees would often sprint through patches of drywall and leave holes with distinctly human arms and legs.
Almost four years later, one of Trump’s aides is still locked in a room in the White House, furiously scratching at the walls.
Trump learned his lesson on this one.