UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police force reportedly fled the country Thursday after hearing that there was a gunman somewhere inside the nation. “Oh my God, run, run for your lives, someone in the United States has a gun,” said Phoenix Police Sgt. Aaron Philbank, appearing panicked as he urged more than 900,000 sworn law enforcement officers in all 50 states to drop whatever they were doing and escape via foot, car, plane, or boat into either Canada, Mexico, or the Pacific or Atlantic Ocean. “Jesus Christ. This guy could potentially be violent and, at this point, might be anywhere from California to New York. All I know is that I’m getting the hell out of here, and these fuckers are on their own. I didn’t sign up for this shit.” At press time, Philbank could not be reached for comment, as the nation’s police force was busy barricading every U.S. border crossing and threatening to tase anyone who tried to stop the gunman.