EVERYWHERE—In response to an unfolding situation on Monday, the police did a great job, the police said. “The actions of local law enforcement could not have been better,” local law enforcement reported in a statement, the veracity of which The Onion confirmed with local law enforcement. “Every measure undertaken by our officers went completely by the book, our officers told us, and we’ve since learned from ourselves that we once again saved the day. We can confirm that you’re all safe—just ask anyone in this police department. You’re welcome.” At press time, a grand jury was reportedly convening to investigate accusations of police misconduct.