According to Christian leaders, many evangelicals have begun to reject Jesus’s teachings because they sound too similar to liberal talking points. The Onion asked Christians why the Son of God comes off as “weak” and leftist, and this is what they said.
“He fed 5,000 hungry people with five loaves and two fish when he could have easily just called the police and had them all tear gassed.”
“That left-wing zealot cured the sick and didn’t even set up a years-long payment plan that destroys their credit.”
“Dying for other peoples’ sins is total beta behavior.”
“He told his followers to leave everything behind and follow him, with no regard for its effect on local small business owners.”
“He could’ve just as easily preached the Bible with a marine cut.”
“To be fair, how could Jesus not turn out to be a raging liberal with a conservative dad like that?”
“He’s too cowardly to come on my show and debate me.”
“He was arrested. I don’t listen to the teachings of criminals.”
“He could’ve been a lot more vocal about his objections to critical race theory.”
“Holy or not, bread isn’t allowed on the carnivore diet.”
“I’d prefer if he’d covered himself up a bit more up on that cross.”
“He came to me once in a dream and he was wearing a ‘Notorious RBG’ T-shirt.”
“He wasn’t a veteran, that’s for damn sure.”
“He went to Sarah Lawrence.”
“You shouldn’t be multiplying fish when the hungry are probably just selling them for meth.”
“Dying for the sins of humanity doesn’t teach personal responsibility.”
“Only a libtard sees a blind beggar and doesn’t call the cops.”