Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision on June 24, 2022, to overturn Roe v. Wade, which affirmed a right to abortion at the federal level, The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and butchered at the state level.
To make abortions impossible to perform, no men, women, or children are allowed to live in the state.
All Alaskans impregnated by polar bears will be forced to carry the human–polar bear hybrid to term.
After six weeks of pregnancy, women must crawl through the desert toward a far-off abortion clinic only to realize it is a mirage.
Fully funded abortions available for anyone a Clinton family member impregnates.
Somehow a homeless person is punished for every legal abortion.
All abortions come with complimentary IPA.
What kind of brute would speak of such unsavory matters in mixed company?
Who the fuck knows, man? Those Delaware freaks are weird.
Abortions must personally be signed off on by Jesus Christ.
Congratulations, you’re having a baby!
Abortion remains a legal method of making a sacrifice to the angry volcano god.
Abortion not legal when fetus the size of a russet potato, but perfectly fine at any point before or after that.
Everything’s legal in Illinois if you grease the right palm.
Unable to determine given that law is written in biblical Aramaic.
Abortion in Iowa remains legal after the Dobbs decision, providing the first significant reason anyone would ever want to live in Iowa.
After huge turnout to support abortion access on the ballot, the medical procedure remains legal if you can find a clinic.
Any woman spotted not pushing a stroller will be brought in for questioning.
Residents encouraged to construct a uterine levee in order to keep sperm out.
One-thousand-dollar prize for beating the current record for largest fetus ever terminated, which now stands at 44 pounds 6 ounces.
Those seeking an abortion must first undergo a sonogram to ensure that it wasn’t just a stone crab that got caught up there.
Before getting an abortion, pregnant women are encouraged by law to travel to Faneuil Hall and get an authentic chowder bread bowl. Then walk the Freedom Trail and visit the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum for an insight into the eccentric mind behind one of Boston’s foremost art collections. Finally, don’t forget to stroll through the Commons and take in the beautiful gardens in bloom.
Abortion providers must plot with an underground network of armed co-conspirators to kidnap the fetus from the uterus.
Legal to politely ask a fetus to vacate the uterus, a request it will happily oblige.
Abortion is strictly banned in Mississippi, and somehow, the state’s new abortion laws have brought back segregated schools.
A woman who receives an abortion is required to pay for her own funeral.
There is no abortion here. There are no births. There are no children. There are only the Elders, slowly growing branches, budding leaves from their fingertips, as they return to the earth from whence they came.
Abortion is legal until the 22nd week, which feels like fucking forever in Nebraska.
Doctors who perform the procedure are legally entitled to any quarters that also fall out.
It’s legal for the next 10 minutes, hurry!
Legislators have kept abortion legal due to the fact that it doesn’t matter whether people from New Jersey live or die.
Legal via alien probe.
Legal in order to make room in uterus for paying tenant.
Doctors must shake their heads and tut-tut while performing abortions.
Abortion is heavily restricted as a last-ditch effort to get residents to leave the state.
Abortion is illegal after a doctor can pretend to hear a heartbeat.
Abortions are legal, but the doctors are so obviously bad at their jobs that no one in their right mind would let one anywhere near their womb.
Legal and mandatory to cull the state’s out-of-control population of white people.
Fetus-hunting season only open October through December.
A woman has 48 hours after abortion to inform lover it’s been taken care of.
The fetus of any woman seeking an abortion after six weeks will be charged as an accomplice.
Abortion legal as long as the mother dies, too.
Abortion illegal, but law acknowledges that bachelorette parties get out-of-hand sometimes.
Due to trigger laws, the only way to obtain an abortion in Texas is to go a full minute on a mechanical bull.
N/A, bunch of virgins.
No laws on abortion codified given that neither Ben nor Jerry can get pregnant.
Abortion access is decided solely by the will of the swamp.
Amazon warehouse workers are allowed to miscarry on their lunch break.
Banned by state officials aching to have control over something, anything, on this fleeting mortal plane.
Take two shots of whiskey and let the cattle doctor do his thing.
State’s only abortion clinic buried 30 miles under the earth.