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Why spend your hard-earned money on your family when you could piss it away on trivial bets totally unrelated to sports at all? Here are The Onion’s picks for the best prop bets for Super Bowl LVIII.
Why spend your hard-earned money on your family when you could piss it away on trivial bets totally unrelated to sports at all? Here are The Onion’s picks for the best prop bets for Super Bowl LVIII.
Long odds but heavy payout if coin in opening toss hovers above the field for eternity.
Massive payout if the 49ers quarterback uses his team’s defensive possessions to review German vocab for an adult ed course he’s taking.
Payout for any delay due to the game ball being wedged in the rain gutter of the house next to Allegiant Stadium.
While prolate spheroid has won this bet for 57 straight Super Bowls, the +500000000 odds are just too good to pass up.
Out of the hundreds of his performances available on YouTube, only three show the singer successfully removing his shirt without this happening.
Smart money on over, unless there’s a terrorist attack or something.
+750? Not bad.
Whether this affects the outcome of the game will depend on how long it takes them to develop empathy and understanding for each other, however different they may be.
Extra payout if he’s never whistled before and is trying it for the first time.
Cardinal? Bluebird? Place your bets on which breed of bird will be circling Purdy when he gets knocked out.
No matter how much the Chiefs coach loves a good meal, the man is also a professional during the game.
Odds are best for Ross Dwelley, who will leave crowds weeping at the sheer power of his sensual lambada, the forbidden dance.
This would be six hours and 58 minutes beyond the current record.
Vegas seems to have just set the line too low on this one.
There’s no shame in a 24-24 tie against opponents you’re now proud to call friends.
The popular money is on Las Vegas, but don’t count out Wichita just yet!
Donna Kelce has been holding back on this family tradition for way too long!