Decisions made in Maine and Colorado to strike Donald Trump from their respective state-level ballots using the Fourteenth Amendment’s insurrection clause have raised the question: Should the former president be disqualified from running again? The Onion asked Americans what they think.
“If we disqualified everyone who has amassed a large and uncontrollable following of lunatics, no one would be able to run.”
“Eh, I’m confident he’ll manage to destabilize democracy whether he’s on or off the ballot.”
“What is Trump guilty of besides business fraud, sharing confidential state secrets, mishandling classified materials, spreading election lies, slandering voting institutions, and attempting to incite an insurrection?”
“No. Trump is a dictator. Dictators shouldn’t have to run.”
“Trump lost his chance to be on the ballot when he cowardly conceded the 2020 election.”
“Yes, but only because I believe in a fringe conspiracy theory that Trump was actually born in Germany.”
“I trust our Supreme Court to be rigged enough to make the right decision.”
“Trump. Trump. Oh! You mean Kimberly Guilfoyle’s fiance’s dad?”
“He’d better be on it. I’m only keeping my mouth shut in exchange for a Tahitian embassy gig he promised.”
“I don’t know who sent you here, but you’d better scram. I’m chasing a hot, hot scoop and trying to prove to the gents in the newsroom that a dame can do more than just sit pretty and type.”
“This is probably as close as he’ll ever get to experiencing the consequences of his own actions, so it’d be nice to keep that going for another week or so.”
“Hitler wasn’t on the U.S. presidential ballot, and look how successful he was!”
“No. Since Trump will win either way, it’d be far less embarrassing for President Biden to lose to someone listed on the actual ballot.”
“It’s not nice to not let others play.”
“On the ballot, off the ballot, who cares? At the end of the day, we’re all just gonna end up floatin’ in a bowl of gumbo on the Great Big Dinner Table up in the sky.”
“I think he should be allowed to stay on the ballot if he can successfully ski a double black diamond.”
“Whatever will get people to like me. Please like me.”
“The rules of land do not apply up here. I am governed by a seagull named Ernest Boyce.”
“I’m afraid of the precedent it would set to hold a politician responsible for something he said and did before he died.”