Former President Donald Trump allegedly shared highly classified information about U.S. nuclear submarines with an Australian billionaire who was a member of Mar-a-Lago. The Onion asked other members what government secrets the 45th president shared with them, and this is what they said.
Mar-A-Lago Members Reveal What Secrets Trump Shared With Them
Rod Morris, Driver
“I delivered a pizza, and he shoved some nuclear schematics in my pocket and told me Iran would pay me plenty.”
Kathleen Morgan, Restaurateur
“He offered to disclose the location of the White House to me for $50,000.”
Paul Wiley, CEO
“Let’s just say I have everything I’d need to assassinate the entire Cabinet in under 20 minutes.”
Tabitha Moody, Heiress
“Far more people were killed on 9/11 than the public knows, and I was one of them.”
Mark Dunst, Security Officer
“What’s Azerbaijan? Anyway, they’re toast on Dec. 3.”
Malcolm Austin, Venture Capitalist
“Apparently, the Defense Department has a top-secret headquarters that’s shaped like a giant pentagon.”
Oliver Franks, Entrepreneur
“A fly’s hind wings are actually non-flight balancing organs called halteres, which is less of a secret and more of a cool insect fact.”
Edward Lindsey, Hedge Fund Manager
“Everyone at his Super Bowl party got a chunk of JFK’s brain.”
Susan Carney, Oil Executive
“He was offered a three-year, $150 million NBA contract after he threw paper towels to Hurricane Maria victims, giving scouts for the Washington Wizards a chance to see his shooting form.”
Wu Yongrui, Diplomat
“I was assured the U.S. military was too weak to resist China because they all wear skirts and go to therapy now.”
Daniel Glaser, Mine Owner
“We are all children, crying out to be held and loved, screaming for succor from the cold night’s terrors, hearing no reply but our echo.”
Tim Steele, Lawyer
“He kissed his cousin Peter when he was 7.”
Hiram Martin, Real Estate Developer
“Denver is real.”
Kenford Williams, Day Trader
“He told me the secret in Bush’s Baked Beans is cinnamon.”
Archer Merino, Music Producer
“He had a whole file folder of documents related to Japan spread out on the dinner table. And because I threw up on them, he let me keep them.”
Marie Damaris, Surgeon
“He actually weighs 600 pounds but carries it well.”
Q, Prophet
“Nothing I didn’t already know.