Former President Donald Trump allegedly shared highly classified information about U.S. nuclear submarines with an Australian billionaire who was a member of Mar-a-Lago. The Onion asked other members what government secrets the 45th president shared with them, and this is what they said.
“I delivered a pizza, and he shoved some nuclear schematics in my pocket and told me Iran would pay me plenty.”
“He offered to disclose the location of the White House to me for $50,000.”
“Let’s just say I have everything I’d need to assassinate the entire Cabinet in under 20 minutes.”
“Far more people were killed on 9/11 than the public knows, and I was one of them.”
“What’s Azerbaijan? Anyway, they’re toast on Dec. 3.”
“Apparently, the Defense Department has a top-secret headquarters that’s shaped like a giant pentagon.”
“A fly’s hind wings are actually non-flight balancing organs called halteres, which is less of a secret and more of a cool insect fact.”
“Everyone at his Super Bowl party got a chunk of JFK’s brain.”
“He was offered a three-year, $150 million NBA contract after he threw paper towels to Hurricane Maria victims, giving scouts for the Washington Wizards a chance to see his shooting form.”
“I was assured the U.S. military was too weak to resist China because they all wear skirts and go to therapy now.”
“We are all children, crying out to be held and loved, screaming for succor from the cold night’s terrors, hearing no reply but our echo.”
“He kissed his cousin Peter when he was 7.”
“Denver is real.”
“He told me the secret in Bush’s Baked Beans is cinnamon.”
“He had a whole file folder of documents related to Japan spread out on the dinner table. And because I threw up on them, he let me keep them.”
“He actually weighs 600 pounds but carries it well.”
“Nothing I didn’t already know.