After codefendants Jenna Ellis, Sidney Powell, and Kenneth Chesebro pleaded guilty in the Georgia election interference case and agreed to testify, The Onion asked Donald Trump’s closest allies why they’re flipping on the former president, and this is what they said.
“Checks stopped clearing.”
“I bought Dominion stock.”
“Nobody out mooches the Mooch!”
“We were best friends our whole childhood, but the presidency changed him.”
“He told my wife about my mistress, then told my mistress about my secret pet pig Willoughby, then told Willoughby that I eat bacon.”
“I should be the only fat guy.”
“He wants to kill everyone in a slightly different way than I do.”
“The batteries in the shock collar died.”
“I can no longer in good conscience continue to be an enabler for him. It’s time for him to learn on his own that chicken nuggets do not go with guacamole.”
“I died.”
“He kept tickling after I said the safe word.”
“I took a solemn oath to uphold the Constitution except in cases where God directly speaks to me and tells me to violate the Constitution.”
“I matched with a Dominion voting machine on Hinge. He didn’t tell me what he was until our first date. I had assumed from his profile he was a Xerox. You should have seen my face when he told me—I nearly splashed my cocktail all over his screen! But after a little bit of verbal sparring back and forth, I realized something: Our chemistry was undeniable.”
“My book needed an angle.”
“He told me ‘Like A Bird’ sucked.”
“I’ve been disappointed by Donald’s behavior since we befriended each other on the set of Molly’s Game. Enough is enough. It would be cowardly not to speak my mind at this point.”
“He started calling himself ‘Mr. 9/11’ when he knew that was everyone’s nickname for me first!”
“When Trump was my mentor, he taught me the first rule of business is to immediately jump ship when someone is catching heat, and then begin criticizing that person the loudest.”
“The sun reflected off my shining bald head in such a way that it actually blinded President Trump for several days, which puts me in all sorts of legal hot water, and I think him going to jail might help me wriggle out of this without paying a fine.”
“He caught up on RHONY without me.”
“I eventually turn on most of the people whose weddings I attend.”
“Kind of a dud GOP follow-up after all the terror and violence of Bush.”
“He’ll never show up to your birthday party, but if you don’t show up to his birthday party, suddenly he’s all like, ‘You’re such a bad friend,’ and it’s like, look who’s talking! So fake.”
“Um, excuse me, are we forgetting that Donald Trump is a rapist and a racist?! Time’s up!”
“Trump repeatedly showed the public how many career politicians and functionaries of the U.S. government are nothing more than spineless worms, and that really hurt.”
“He’s too incompetent to pull off the absolute horror I want to wreak upon American citizens.”