AUSTIN, TX—In another major victory for the pro-life movement, Texas passed a new law Monday making it legal to sue any woman whose weight fluctuates in order to find out what is going on there. “Is she yo-yo dieting, or is she getting a clandestine abortion every other month?” said Beth Sikes, a spokesperson for anti-abortion group Texas Right to Life who praised Gov. Greg Abbott for signing the bill that empowers private citizens to bring civil litigation against any woman whose weight appears to have gone up or down at least 5 pounds. “Is she secretly eating for two? Has she just been hitting the gym really hard, or did she somehow get her hands on mifepristone? This new law will finally bring Texans the clarity we desperately deserve by forcing women to answer once and for all whether they’re pregnant or just bloated.” At press time, Texas Republicans had created new legislation that would ban shapewear.