MENLO PARK—Assuring parents that the crew were working around the clock to protect their most vulnerable underage users, Instagram announced Monday that they had hired dozens of pedophiles to find weak spots in their app. “When it comes to our children’s safety, there’s no one I trust more to test our interface than our elite team of child molesters, pedophiles, and convicted sex offenders,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, adding that the newly contracted employees had been hard at work investigating the app’s inability to stop grown adults from creating burner accounts, DMing children, saving photos of children, and grooming children for extended periods of time. “While we understand parents’ concerns, these employees have decades of experience, and have already identified several previously unknown ways to inappropriately find, contact, and exploit minors. As a father myself, I already feel safer knowing that these pedophiles are on the case, and will not stop until they find every single way to destroy the lives of underage users.” At press time, Zuckerberg issued an apology after a pedophile was allegedly suspended for a political post that violated the company’s community guidelines.