CLEVELAND—Tossing and turning throughout the night, local cool guy Maxwell Dutra was reportedly unable to get to sleep Tuesday due to intrusive memories from all of the times he was awesome. “Oh God, no, no, no, no, I’m so fucking awesome, I’m just the absolute best,” said Dutra, who groaned and pressed a pillow over his head as all of the times he was effortlessly charming and confident played through his head like a movie. “That time the server told me to enjoy my food and then slipped me her number. That time my boss promoted me just because he liked my jacket. It’s been years since I had sex with that lady on a motorcycle, so why can I still not stop thinking about it? Jesus Christ! Why, why, why? I’m just so handsome and self-possessed, it makes me sick!” According to reports, Dutra also cringed at the memory of the time he dived in front of a group of strangers to prevent them from being shot and survived because the flask in his pocket stopped the bullet.