In a world where the right endorsement can make or break a presidential candidate, there is one opinion that matters most of all: that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Onion asked Americans who they believed Jesus would vote for, and this is what they said.
“Whichever candidate has a stronger anti-crucifixion stance.”
“Probably Himself. He’s always talking about how holy He is in the Bible.”
“I’d say Biden, just because I think they’re both from Scranton.”
“He’s a felon, so He wouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
“All we know is He drank from a Romney-Ryan 2012 mug at the Last Supper.”
“Jesus would gravitate toward Trump as the sickliest candidate.”
“He wouldn’t need to vote. As a Jew, He knows the presidency is controlled by the cabal.”
“Ralph Nader. He just will not shut up about that guy.”
“Whichever candidate acted the most impressed by His bread-multiplying trick.”
“That’s a trick question. He wouldn’t vote—He would make Himself king of the United States and make us tremble under His mighty iron fist.”
“Jesús? Sounds like a guy that would vote for Biden, probably a few times in one day.”
“Due to the fact that He’s unvaccinated, I assume He’d vote for RFK Jr.”
“Who cares? That SOB is dead.”
“Christ had very few earthly possessions, so He would vote for Trump, because Trump’s got everything Jesus doesn’t have but wishes He did.”
“Foreigners can’t vote.”
“Me. I’ve been praying quite a lot lately.”
“Whoever George Soros paid Him to.”