KENOSHA, WI—Stunned at the act’s failure to benefit his mood in any discernible way, completely alone 37-year-old Doug Kaczmarek told reporters Friday that he had really thought blowing out a birthday candle in his dark apartment would cheer him up. “Huh. I expected sitting by myself in the shadows and blowing out a single candle to do the trick, but I don’t feel better at all,” said the solitary man, who noted with surprise that, if anything, his soft, gentle sobs had only increased in frequency now that he sat in total darkness in his studio apartment, surrounded by the smoke of the extinguished flame. “In retrospect, it’s possible I made a mistake by doing this at my kitchen table, where I can see all the empty chairs that I suppose I purchased for all the close friends I never made. Though on second thought, maybe the problem is that while lighting the candle, I merely hummed the ‘Happy Birthday’ song instead of slowing singing the words aloud: ‘Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me.’ After all, how else am I supposed to know to whom the song is directed?” Kaczmarek then reportedly sighed and confirmed that he would better understand where he went wrong when he tried this again in three weeks, when his actual birthday rolled around.