VATICAN CITY—Frantically rushing to collect the scattered pieces of the valuable Catholic relic, bumbling American tourist Dale Humphries was reportedly visiting the Vatican Monday when he accidentally broke the pope. “Aw, geez, I didn’t even see him there, I’m such an idiot,” said the hapless U.S. dolt, who stood Pope Francis back up after wandering away from his tour group, tripping over his own feet, and knocking over and shattering the 85-year-old leader of the Catholic church.“Shit, shit, shit—okay, calm down, Dale. You can fix this with a little gum and elbow grease, no problem. Just put the head back on the neck and they won’t even notice. ” At press time, Humphries was hurrying towards the exit after realizing he was still holding one of the pope’s legs.