After the Denver Nuggets swept the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA’s Western Conference finals, LeBron James said he was uncertain about his future. The Onion asked professional athletes what they thought about the rumored retirement, and this is what they said.
“Trust me, he’ll come crawling back as soon as his gambling debts get bad enough.”
“Ugh, now I have to deal with everyone calling me the greatest player in basketball history.”
“The woke mob comes for us all, and Time, the wokest mob of all, is no different.”
“He’s going to have to do this a few more times if he wants to enter the conversation for greatest retirement of all time.”
“Thank God. I was worried about getting to the NBA and accidentally seeing his penis in a locker room.”
“It’s worth noting that male athletes still have more than three times as many retirements as female athletes.”
“LeBron is pretty overrated. The dude only won rookie of the year once.”
“Fantastic! I feel like his right-wing heel-turn is long overdue.”
“I wish I had the chance to play at the same time as him.”
“Keep on scrolling. No need to waste time on my stupid-ass opinion.”
“I think—ow! Fuck! I just tore every muscle in my body by talking.”
“Damn, I hope the poor guy can find another job that pays $180 a second.”
“Sure, he’s pretty good at basketball, but what about standing around near a base for three hours a game and occasionally running? You really think he could do that?”
“This is the NBA’s fault for not surrounding LeBron with more talent.”
“Who gives a fuck? That loser never scored a single point during my senior year of high school in 1970.”
“The entire product family of the Russell Wilson brand would like to extend our warmest congratulations to LeBron James on his decorated athletic career.”
“Fuck. I don’t want to be the only one left on my team who knows what a PalmPilot was.”
“I’m not surprised. LeBron could never handle constructive hatred.”
“No one could outjump LeBron. I once saw him jump straight through the roof of a house, then he kept going, he went up about 100 feet and crashed into a bird. The bird plummeted to the earth. When LeBron saw what he’d done, he quickly reversed course, and willed himself to fall faster than the bird. By the time the bird was about to land, LeBron was already there, and he caught the bird softly in his palm. As the bird landed, it died, but as it died it laid an egg into LeBron’s palm. LeBron sat on that egg until it hatched, and he raised that bird—it was a cardinal—as one of his own children. A class act and fierce competitor.”