Elon Musk has once again found himself in hot water after The Wall Street Journal confirmed that the CEO often uses illegal drugs, including cocaine, LSD, magic mushrooms, ecstasy, and ketamine. Here is everything The Onion currently knows about the controversial billionaire’s recreational drug use.
If he didn’t, he’d likely be behaving erratically, right?
Plenty of reputable horses take it.
Sounds like cocaine is the hardest thing his delicate constitution can handle.
Elon isn’t afraid to use all the tools at his disposal to focus up before destroying the life of a subordinate.
No one has had the heart to tell him that the number is actually more commonly used in reference to marijuana.
He launched a car into outer space.
Cocaine, fiberglass, dirt, bread crumbs, anthrax, sugar, sand, anything that can go up a nostril.
In fact, many of his groundbreaking achievements came from those moments of ascension and brain clarity found only via his weekly xylazine-and-vitamin-B-12 drip.
He didn’t get more than 100 feet and has no recollection of ever doing it.
An extra two hours are usually built in to compensate for the shrieking.
Relatively new to drugs, Musk licked an entire sheet of LSD tabs and has not come down since.
A shrewd businessman doesn’t give liquid gold away for free.
Lots of people get high, but there’s only one Elon Musk.
Turns out tripping alone can’t make you care about your fellow man.
In a stunning reversal of common knowledge, doing drugs is actually only for losers.
It’s just a matter of how aggressively.
Elon smoked so much salvia this morning that he now believes everyone in America knows he’s high.