After a great deal of anticipation, Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris picked Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz as her running mate. The Onion takes a look at the former educator and National Guard member’s background.
Birthplace: Small Town Where Folks Looked Out For Each Other, USA
Career Accomplishments: It’s Not Polite To Brag
Spouse: Gwen. You know, Gwen from church?
Favorite Curse Word: Shucks
Subject He Taught At High School: A.P. Governing
Views On Abortion: One Oopsie Daisy Should Not Define A Person
Vision For America: Whatever Kamala Says
Most Recent Controversy: Snuck Extra Piece Of Wife’s Brambleberry Pie
Highest Political Position Anyone Assumed He Would Achieve: Treasurer Of Condo’s HOA
Celebrity Crush: Ina Garten
Signature Scent: Cream Of Mushroom
Brat?: Sure
Potential Liability: Often Mistaken For A Sentient Snowman
Highest Tolerable Spice Level: Ketchup