What Republicans Are Saying About The Paul Pelosi Attack

“I’m sure he’ll make a full recovery, if the Jews have their way.”

“Not sure. I’m still waiting for Donald Trump to say something really funny so I can repeat it at rallies to cover up for the fact that I’ve never had an original thought in my entire life.”

“Finish the job.”

“How do we know that Pelosi didn’t force that man into his home in order to bash his head against the man’s hammer?”

“The event was both tragic and a real turn-on for me.”

“I’m wishing him a speedy death.”

“We put out an APB on the perp: South Asian female, about 7-foot-2, eye patch, curves in all the right places. Unfortunately, since it’s been more than 48 hours, we’ll probably never see Paul Pelosi again.”

“This attack never would have happened if the hammer hadn’t been allowed across the border in the first place.”

“Paul Pelosi? More like… Hold on, I’ll think of something. No, don’t leave! It’s on the tip of my tongue. I’m very funny, I promise!”

“I wish she would have been home so that dumb bitch could get her entire face smashed in. Surprised, fuckers? I can say whatever I want, and you liberals still have to kiss my ass for as long as I live and beyond.”

“I find it absolutely disgusting that Nancy Pelosi has a husband.”

“Ann and I are praying for Mr. Pelosi’s swift conversion to Mormonism.”

“The hypocrisy between those condemning the attack against Pelosi’s husband and the utter silence when I repeatedly bash my head into my desk is astounding.”

“This clearly mentally ill man was nothing but a rogue actor who happened to listen to exactly what I’ve been secretly commanding him to do for months.”

“I actually thought the hammer and zip ties were a nice change of pace from all the gun violence the other Republicans and I have been allowing.”

“How many innocent people have to die before we realize that words do matter? Crazy people act on the crazy things they hear from politicians and celebrities. Oh shit, wait that was what I said on Fox after Steve Scalise got shot. Fuck. What I meant is that there is no connection between words and violence. Shit, shit, shit. Forget I said anything.”

“I for one am inspired that a red-blooded American man can still get his tools and go to work.”

“Now imagine for a moment that instead of Paul Pelosi, it was Ron DeSantis’ wife, and instead of a hammer, the assailant was a 20-foot-tall wolf man who blasted her out the window with a leaf blower. Now where’s the outrage over that?”

“Some proud patriot should post bail for this guy so that he can also cave in my head with a hammer.”

“It’s time to beef up security and protect the brave men and women who work hard every day to assassinate Democratic members of Congress.”

“That hammer is a crisis actor. It even has a page on IMDB.”