After his disastrous debate performance, President Joe Biden continues to flounder in the polls and faces a growing contingent of Democratic donors and elected officials calling for him to step down. The Onion explores several possible things Biden can do to reinvigorate his struggling campaign.
Only be photographed near much older people: He’ll look vigorous when surrounded by shrunken 103-year-olds who barely look human.
Activate the AARP: There are millions of seniors standing by, awaiting word from Biden.
Read monster smut at rallies: If fantasy romance books can save the publishing industry, they can save his campaign.
Launch all the nukes: You technically can’t lose an election if there’s no civilization left to hold one.
Win the 200-meter butterfly at the Paris Olympics: Nothing provides a boost in the polls quite like coming home with Olympic gold.
Pardon Hunter: Won’t actually help, but he needs to get it done before Inauguration Day.
Form strategic alliances through intermarriage: It worked for the Habsburgs, didn’t it?
End his campaign: This would provide him with such a huge surge in his approval rating that he would have no choice but to immediately restart his campaign.