Looking for the perfect present for your kids? The Onion presents its ultimate holiday gift guide for children ages 5 and up.
Authentic Piece Of Porcelain From Yankee Stadium Urinal
Own a part of Bronx Bombers history with an authentic chunk of a urinal pissed on by thousands of New York Yankees fans. Suitable for a shelf, desk, or display case.
iPad Onesie
Give your infant the attention she desires while sending out emails, keeping up with your favorite websites, and reading the latest bestsellers with this combination tablet computer and one-piece baby bodysuit. Your child will enjoy the gentle swipes and taps that outwardly seem to convey interest and maternal care while you enjoy the crystal clarity of Apple’s breathtaking Retina display! Dual-core processor; spit-up-proof.
Mr. Mouth
Your children will enjoy endless hours of fun with this anthropomorphic talking mouth! Mr. Mouth’s face is made of teeth, an upper lip forms his hair, and he walks around on his tongue. And you’ll never believe the wacky, wiseacre sayings that come out of his mouth-body! Open wide, it’s Mr. Mouth!
OPEC Hoodie
A high-quality, lightweight hooded sweatshirt with the official OPEC logo. Comfortable, durable, and stylish!
Lego Tree Of Life
Your kids will love envisioning the origins of the universe and pondering life’s deepest mysteries with this 256-piece Lego play-kit based on Terrence Malick’s Palme d’Or-winning film. They’ll have fun helping Lego Jack as he questions God and existence both in his suburban 1950s living room and as he wanders a sparse Lego-desert landscape. Features 27 Lego figurines, including both 11-year-old Jack and the disillusioned adult version of himself, microbial organisms, black holes, and a constructible mosquito-control truck that sprays a fake DDT mist, just like the real movie!