The Onion Celebrates Andy Reid: One Of The Greatest Minds In The History Of Lunch

GLENDALE, AZ—Calling timeout and coming to the aid of the team’s visibly ailing head coach during Super Bowl LVII, Kansas City Chiefs medical staff helped a critically hungry Andy Reid into the sideline meat-smoking tent. “After a member of our staff observed signs of low energy and problems focusing in Coach Reid, we determined that he was suffering from acute undernourishment and brought him to the meat-smoking tent for an immediate ingestion of pork spare ribs,” Chiefs medical staff member Daniel Fiers said Sunday, adding that Reid may have reaggravated the hunger pangs he developed in the first half and failed to treat them properly when he ate only one hoagie at halftime.

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GLENDALE, AZ—Reflecting on what his return to the sport’s highest stage meant to him as Super Bowl LVII got under way, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid admitted Sunday that he could still taste his last Super Bowl victory in his mustache. “It’s tangy, with a hint of sweetness—maybe mango or something,” said Reid, telling sideline reporter Erin Andrews that he stuck his tongue in the right corner of his mustache whenever he wanted a little reminder of what victory tasted like.

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GLENDALE, AZ—Mumbling as he spoke and attempting to brush a strand of hair behind his ear, a shy Andy Reid reportedly asked the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday if they remembered him. “Hi, my name is Andy, do you remember?” said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach, who turned beet red and avoided eye contact with members of the Eagles, seemingly addressing the ground while he talked to his former team.

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KANSAS CITY—Following his team’s preseason game loss to the Chicago Bears, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid on Thursday criticized Soldier Field’s eating conditions. “It is absolutely inexcusable to have to play in a stadium with low standards for burgers and pizza,” said Reid during a press conference, adding that Soldier Field had been for years one of the worst stadiums to eat a bucket of nachos during halftime.

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KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting his total lack of urgency while chewing, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid expressed frustration with himself Thursday over his poor clock management in the final moments of Union Grill’s 72-ounce “Belt Buster” steak challenge. “I just lost track of the clock, and the next thing I knew, there was only one minute left and still 15 ounces of steak to go,” said Reid, bemoaning the fact that he leisurely dipped every piece of the 4.5-pound sirloin in A.1. Sauce while precious seconds continued running off the clock.

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ST. JOSEPH, MO—Saying that the daily ritual has been both physically and mentally draining, rookies on the Kansas City Chiefs confirmed Monday that they have been forced to carry all of head coach Andy Reid’s snacks to and from practice every day. “It’s brutal—this morning, I had to lug 80-pound duffel bags filled with spicy beef jerky and cream-filled cupcakes while running to the field,” said first-year offensive lineman Mitch Morse, adding that he is often sore before practice even starts, having arrived an hour early to haul 10-gallon gravy jugs to the sideline.

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KANSAS CITY, MO—His mouth watering as he described the elusive blend of herbs, salts, and spices, Chiefs coach Andy Reid told reporters Wednesday that he was still determinedly pursuing a perfect seasoning. “A lot of things have to come together for a perfect seasoning,” said Reid, adding that his lifelong dream of tasting perfection led to countless hours of obsessive preparation and many late nights in the team’s kitchen facilities.

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KANSAS CITY, MO—Speaking with a fiery passion about a deep hunger and desire, Chiefs coach Andy Reid reportedly motivated players Monday with an inspiring speech about an incredible burrito place he recently discovered. “I can tell you right now, the burrito at Taqueria El Comal had all the ingredients of a world champion,” said Reid, his voice reportedly quivering as he described the effect of combining roasted chicken and carne asada to the players huddled around him.

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NEW YORK—After several minutes of intense negotiations, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid agreed to trade the team’s No. 1 overall pick in the 2013 NFL draft for a bite of a bacon double cheeseburger, repeatedly insisting that the offer was too juicy and dripping with melted cheddar to refuse. “Sure, Texas A&M left tackle Luke Joeckel might provide excellent quarterback protection for the next 10 years, but this bacon double cheeseburger is just massive and loaded with succulent charbroiled beef patties,” said Reid, who was also impressed by the sandwich’s four strips of crispy bacon.

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BETHLEHEM, PA—During an hour-long lunch break at Eagles training camp Friday, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid mumbled something about rebuilding mode as a homemade Italian sandwich slowly began falling apart in his hands. “Everything is in disarray right now, so it’s important to set up a solid foundation and build from there,” said Reid, muttering to himself while ham, capocollo, provolone, and mayonnaise slipped out of a kaiser roll and fell onto his lap.

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PHILADELPHIA—While recovering from injuries suffered in a sideline incident last Sunday, New Orleans head coach Sean Payton received a phone call from Andy Reid in which the Eagles coach expressed his wishes for Payton to heal quickly from the fractured tibia and torn MCL, and inquired as to whether or not Payton was going to eat the damaged ligament. “You rest up and make sure you’re okay, now, and if you think that MCL is just going to sit around in your fridge, well, give me a call,” said Reid, who also regaled Payton with descriptions of “this great spice rub, not too hot, really savory, perfect for connective tissues” that he’d found at a barbecue shack.

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PHILADELPHIA—Unable to walk off the sideline under his own power, Eagles coach Andy Reid was loaded onto a medical cart and driven to the 50-yard line to shake hands with Saints coach Sean Payton after their game Sunday. According to those in attendance, a hush fell over the crowd during the 11 minutes the team’s medical staff huddled around Reid, attempting to safely hoist the coach onto the cart with a crew of six grown men.

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GLENDALE, AZ—In the type of wager normally placed between mayors of the cities playing in major sporting events, coach Andy Reid vowed to eat any number of Arizona delicacies should his team lose to the Cardinals, as opposed to local Philadelphia cuisine if his Eagles win.”Green corn tamales, tequila shrimp, Yucatán steam-roasted turkey; if they win, I promise you now that I will eat anything and everything Arizona has to offer,” Reid said at Wednesday’s media day, wiping the corner of his mouth with his sleeve throughout the press conference.

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