The Onion 5: Everything You Need To Know On January 15, 2024

Look, we’re not perverts. This is a real thing that members of Gen Z are doing. The Onion asked people in their late teens and 20s why they are “resetting” their virginity, and this is what they said.

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GENEVA, IL—Thanking her two children profusely for the lovely and thoughtful gift, local mom Tammy Idles immediately used a birthday present Monday to make her husband a meal.

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DES MOINES, IA—In a last-ditch effort to increase turnout for the crucial first-in-the-nation presidential contest, candidate Ron DeSantis reportedly went door-to-door Monday to beg his own campaign staff to vote for him.

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MIAMI—Addressing the swirling rumors about her love interest being closely associated with her ex-husband Scottie Pippen’s former NBA teammate, reality television personality Larsa Pippen released a statement Monday confirming that she’s dating Michael Jordan’s gym bag.

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BOSTON—Praising the 43-year-old’s lengthy record of misconduct and exploitation, local nursing home Sunrise Living reportedly hired manager Carl Strasberg Monday after discovering he had two decades of elder abuse experience.

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