AUSTIN, TX—Frowning as she inspected the unexpectedly high bill, local diner Sonia Wirtz was reportedly informed Thursday by staff at the restaurant Dahlias that her check included a 3% surcharge to provide the owner’s sugar baby with a Birkin bag. “With the cost of Hermès rising every year, our management decided the best course of action was to add a 3% sugar fee,” said Wirtz’s server, who offered an apologetic smile as he explained that the surcharge was a measure that had been instituted after 56-year-old restaurant owner Robert Teeple left his wife and went thousands of dollars into debt trying to impress a college sophomore named Meghan. “I assure you the full amount of that fee will go toward a 20-year-old woman who learned what a Birkin is from the lyrics of a Drake song. The surcharge does not include gratuity, though some of that will also definitely go toward the sugar baby, as I have long suspected our boss is stealing our tips. However, if you like, I could remove the charge for you?” At press time, Wirtz had mumbled, “No, that’s fine,” and handed over her credit card.