NEW YORK—A new report released Wednesday by the Columbia University Department of Sociology concluded it’s not fair that other people get to enjoy their lives. “Our research suggests it’s really not acceptable that some people are able to have a pleasant or satisfying time being alive,” read one section of the 237-page report, which analyzed thousands of such individuals smiling and patting each other on the back at bars, eating delicious meals around the dinner table with their loving families, or working away at fulfilling careers, and determined that it was, essentially, bullshit that they got to do this. “Really, when you get into the data, you start thinking: There are all these happy people out there, just smiling their whole lives away. And where do they get off? They have these friends, these cool clothes they like to wear. Nice haircuts. And what do we have? Nothing. Nothing at all. Basically, it all sucks, is what we found.” The report added that its most dispiriting finding was that 93% of these fucking people don’t even know how good they have it.