SAN DIEGO—In an attempt to reward the loyal fan for his years of support, PornHub reportedly surprised frequent user Jeffrey Mitchell this week with a wife and loving family after he reached his 10,000th masturbation with the adult platform. “Jeff, we can’t thank you enough for all of the loads you’ve busted to our site’s content, but we hope a devoted spouse and a couple kids might serve as a little token of our appreciation,” company spokesman Ari Weber said as confetti fell around the visibly surprised 49-year-old, who hurried to hike his pants up and close his laptop as his new spouse unfurled a banner reading “Here’s To 10,000 Nuts!” “The dedication you’ve shown over these decades as a PornHub power user is phenomenal. Some doubted you would ever reach these lofty heights. But I never did. Now, I’m sure you’ve got a lot to adjust to with your new kids. We wish you and Māra the best of luck in the coming years of matrimony. God bless.” At press time, the spokesperson had admitted there was one more thing and then opened the front door to introduce Mitchell to his new barely legal stepdaughter.