DUNLAP, TN—Running through a few of the many benefits of serving in the Army, U.S. military recruiter Brad Usborne reportedly informed a teen Friday that if he joined he would have the opportunity to experience a great many exciting new medical conditions. “When you enlist, you’ll be able to develop asthma, heart disease, lung cancer, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, you name it—and that’s just from the burn pits,” said Usborne, explaining that the 18-year-old would encounter so much more than the boring coughs and sniffles he knew from the common cold back home, and would get to know a whole new world of debilitating physical and mental disorders during and after his deployment. “From day one, you’ll be expanding your medical record with severe PTSD and treatment-resistant depression. And if you’re lucky, you’ll even get to see what it’s like to lose a limb or develop chronic pain from shrapnel that has ripped through your body.” At press time, Usborne was telling the teen all about the bureaucratic incompetence and corruption he’d have the privilege to deal with at the VA once he retires.