Everything The FBI Seized During The Raid At Mar-A-Lago

Though unrelated to the investigation, FBI agents confiscated a 30-year-old Big Mac they found for a science article about how well the chemicals in McDonald’s preserve food.

Surprising how little time it takes for all the flesh to fall off.

The FBI confiscated a box full of handwritten letters from Trump’s Russian pen pal, Luka, in which the man discusses his summer plans, his annoying sister, and occasionally asks about nuclear codes.

While having no official significance, this one-of-a-kind mug was intended only to be used by the sitting president.

Agents seized dozens of boxes filled with syringes designed to prevent conservatives from being brainwashed by antifa’s liberal agenda.

Hey, they can’t all be winners. Sometimes the FBI just seizes a few things and sees what sticks.

Believed to be dead from what is now understood to be a suicide hoax to help him escape justice, the FBI was shocked to find business magnate and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein hiding under Trump’s floorboards.

Attorney General Merrick Garland said he was deeply concerned about these items seized from the Mar-a-Lago kitchen and would be spending 20 minutes this afternoon inspecting them closely.

Right when he was finally going to sit down and do it, too.

The raid, which was originally scheduled to take 10 minutes, ended up stretching to 11 hours after agents were hypnotized by a multicolored lamp from the 1970s.

Congrats, Barron!

Obviously store-bought, but still pretty tasty.

Dozens of immigrant children separated from their parents by the Trump administration were found by FBI agents among Mar-a-Lago’s kitchen, housekeeping, and groundskeeping staffs.

Along with many other items appropriated from the White House, the FBI finally retrieved and returned the nuclear football that Biden had been looking for since taking office.

Although the FBI repeatedly reiterated that it didn’t have much use for her, the Mar-a-Lago staff and several Trump representatives insisted that she be sent along to FBI headquarters and spend as much time there as needed.

The FBI sadly found this accompanied by a receipt that proved Mr. Trump had bought it himself.

Jesus Christ, that’s disgusting. But at least it’s organized.

Filled with dozens of affirmations reminding the former president what his name is and where he is, as well as several important phone numbers.

You fucking idiots. You almost escaped from all this bullshit, but they got you again.

The FBI said the Mar-a-Lago maid showed great potential to provide cleaning services around the D.C. office.

After searching the basement of Mar-a-Lago for hours, dozens of agents were seen confiscating 97-year-old Jimmy Carter, whom Trump had reportedly taken from the White House on his last day and stored in a small box labeled “peanut guy.”