CHICAGO—Turning the hulking fortress of a sandwich slowly in his hands to capture a 360-degree view of his target, local man Branden Zielinski was reportedly conducting a thorough perimeter inspection Thursday to find the most vulnerable entry point to his hamburger. “Jesus Christ, this is a tough one—I’m an expert, but these layers of lettuce and cheese are basically impenetrable,” said Zielinski, who set the burger back down on his plate and stuck a knife into the middle of the bun before aborting the attempt and picking it back up again. “I’m tempted to dive right in, but I know I must move cautiously and deliberately so as not to get hurt. One wrong move and wham—it could be totally over. Sauce everywhere.” At press time, Zielinski was buying his reconnaissance operation more time by investigating the fries.