DUBUQUE, IA—Following a late night out with friends during which they visited a succession of local bars, hungover…
MINNETONKA, MN—Telling reporters that the three little bois had sooooo much fun the last few days, police announced…
CHICAGO—Suggesting the venue could provide the friendship and intimacy the man had lacked for so long, a report…
WICHITA, KS—Calling the task “a heavy burden, but one I must shoulder nonetheless,” local woman Raven Wilson told…
BROOKLINE, MA—Expecting at least a temporary moratorium on the subject, sources expressed surprise Tuesday when…
ROCKVILLE, MD—Calling the Frosted Flakes cereal mascot the most constant and supportive force in his life, local man…
CHICAGO—Racing to make everything tidy ahead of the quickly approaching visit, local woman Ellen Crandall was…
NEW YORK—Surveying an alley in an attempt to piece together what had gone on here last night, investigators…
ATLANTA—Passing the time by inventing random things to penalize him for, bored officials at consumer credit…
WALTHAM, MA—Heeding his supervisor’s order to get rid of the excess newborn mechanical quadrupeds, tearful Boston…
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming they didn’t have anything like it back home, tourist Greg Foskey told reporters during his…
NEWTON, MA—Saying the role player’s peanut intolerance had pulled them entirely out of the fantasy experience,…
TOKYO—Grasping his stomach and grimacing at the end of the meal, local American tourist Aaron Messner complained to…
CLEVELAND—Lacking a North Star to guide him through his workday, local office worker Evan Pullman was reportedly…
PETALUMA, CA—Noting that whoever was in charge clearly took the assignment and ran with it, sources told reporters…
SANTA CRUZ, CA—Staring in awe as the gasping, waddling figure struggled to pull himself to shore, eye witnesses…
SANTA ROSA, CA—Admitting that they normally would not have embraced someone whose life was such a goddamn shitshow,…
TOKYO—In a rapid-fire string of faux pas that deeply offended every single Japanese person he encountered, American…