NEW YORK—Throwing another outfit across the room with an emphatic sob, an inconsolable Anna Wintour reportedly changed tonight’s Met Gala theme to “Looking Like Shit” after waking up feeling ugly. “Sorry for the last-minute change, everyone, but the theme is now ‘Being An Ugly Piece Of Shit’ to accommodate me feeling like an ugly piece of shit,” read an urgent email from the longtime Vogue editor in chief and gala host to the event’s attendees despite friends, family, and her team assuring her that she looks as gorgeous as ever today and it was all in her head. “I don’t care how many times you all say I look fine, I can see myself in the mirror and I look disgusting! Is that even me, or is that Shrek? Ughhhh, I am so bloated and hate my nose and this stupid fucking haircut. I won’t feel good in anything besides sweatpants and a heating pad, so no one else is allowed to dress up either. At least I’m apparently getting a head start on next year’s theme, ‘Fat Fucking Pigs Who Could Never Be Loved.’” At press time, Wintour was reportedly feeling better after taking a Pamprin.