THE HEAVENS—Saying He had no choice but to target the painful, itching sensation directly at the source, God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, was reportedly forced to shave his head Thursday after contracting a biblical plague of lice. “Yesterday, a misdirected divine commandment resulted in all the dust of the heavens turning into lice and swarming through My celestial kingdom,” spake the Lord, adding that He had laundered His heavenly robes using the machine’s highest temperature setting and washed His flowing gray locks with lice shampoo but was still not rid of the blood-sucking insect plague He had brought down upon Himself. “So I’ve been forced to cut off the hair I’ve spent millennia growing out. And if this special nit comb I bought doesn’t work, I’ll have to shave My beard too. Then I’ll really look like an idiot. Or worse, a skinhead.” At press time, sources confirmed a clean-shaven God was looking in the mirror and trying to determine if He could pull off wearing a fedora.