Florida Parents Explain Why They Oppose Schools Showing Movies With Gay Characters

“I’m worried I won’t fit in with the other parents if I’m not constantly spewing vitriolic dehumanizing hate.”

“Every film with a gay character I’ve seen has outright depicted sweaty, hot, anal penetration.”

“Well, it’s a fear-based authoritarian impulse combined with only seeing things through the lens of consumption, so the only thing I can think to do is whine about kids movies.”

“Gay or straight, all moving pictures are an affront to God.”

“It’s a slippery slope to those movies where David Attenborough tries to get us to be attracted to apes and whales.”

“My kid is too advanced. He’s been watching gay porn since he was 6.”

“Nobody’s going to read my fan fiction if all of the characters are already explicitly gay.”

“It’s bad enough for my kid to learn that gay people exist, but to try to indoctrinate him into the idea that they in some way deserve sympathy is downright disgusting.”

“I’m always down to ban whatever.”

“I actually have no problem with a gay character being shown in a movie as long as he is shown being cast down into the pits of hell for his depraved existence as a homosexual.”

“How gay we talkin’ here?”

“School is in the daytime, and gay stuff is for nighttime.”

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: All movie characters should be asexual so we can focus on the plot.

“Whatever keeps my phone from ringing.”

“I assume most Disney movies nowadays are two hours of hardcore gay porn and 10 minutes of a cartoon dog singing.”

“Gay people are a myth, and I don’t believe in lying to my children.”

“I have gone insane with power. That’s why.”

“I’ve had a bone to pick with gay characters ever since losing what could have been a major breakout role to Josh fucking Gad of all people.”

“Actually, I suppose it’s all right as long as they’re as demeaning as Disney’s portrayals of other minorities.”

“I’m a bigot—you got me!”

“If they’re going to watch gay movies, I at least want them to watch them under my roof.”

“I guess I’m conflicted, because as we all know, all guns are boys, but if there were a movie about two guns falling in love, I would want my child to see that. So I guess in some ways I’m reevaluating some of my beliefs.”

“I don’t want my kids asking questions about their ‘Uncle’ Ron.”

“I’m actually fine if the characters are gay as long as nobody’s fucking bi.”

“I like to show them how to do that kind of stuff in person.”

“There’s already way too much gay at home. Give it a rest!”

“If I can’t watch the films, my son can’t either. I tried, and their teacher yelled at me to get away from the window and stop peeping in at the kids.”

“Yes, I believe we shouldn’t let our kids see movies with gay characters, but I really wish we’d pay more attention to the scourges of gay songs in music class, gay elements in the periodic table, and gay milks at lunch.”

“There is only one film worth watching, and that’s Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. Every subsequent film is a bastardization of Lang’s filmmaking prowess, his pure cinema. If I wanted to let my daughter go to school to watch drivel, I’d just throw on something by Bergman and call it a day.”

“My son…he is throbbing…he comes home from school throbbing…muck in his jeans, milky white muck…but still he is engorged…throbbing…his brain chemicals…throbbing and gay… He asks me, Mama, am I a gay son? Have you a gay son, Mama? Is it me, the son, your only son, your gay boy?…and all the while the throb continues, the milky white muck crusts and crystallizes in his best pair of Wranglers… I must look at my gay son. I must see him and know how he feels about the movies. I can’t stand how he must squirm inside at the evil movies with their gay men looking and thumping each other… Oh yes, I know what goes on there, in my boy’s pants, in the crusty gay scrum of his drawers… The most evil magic goes on there…”

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