WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Reserve took steps Friday to assure venture capitalists that they’re very smart and important. “You are just the absolute most intelligent and creative bunch of guys and gals—and cute as hell, to boot!” said Federal Reserve chairman Jerome Powell, adding that the U.S. central bank couldn’t stop itself from issuing federal guarantees for all uninsured deposits given all the cool and sexy people who would benefit. “We decided to make depositors whole because we at the Fed were worried about the spread of tantrums and frowns. We can’t have that! Our nation’s venture capitalists are just adorable, and we would never, ever, ever, ever, ever want them to have a sad day! Don’t worry, engineering a bank run out of herd mentality and a basic disregard for how financial institutions operate could happen to anyone, and we’re so sorry that you guys had to deal with it, because you’re super awesome and clever, and nothing should stand in your way. Wow, your ideas are so great! Where do you even come up with this stuff? We are just, like, blown away over here at the Fed by how epic and amazeballs you all are. Come back for more money anytime!” Powell also reportedly responded to questions as to whether the Federal Reserve would issue similar guarantees to other regional banks by assuring customers at Midwestern credit unions that they’re super dumb and lame.