PORT HURON, MI—Seizing the curative pharmaceuticals at a border checkpoint, federal officials confirmed Thursday that they had intercepted 500 kilograms of lifesaving medication at the U.S. border. “Thanks to the brave work of our agents on the ground, we have confiscated millions of doses of these essential treatments before they could make it into the hands of very sick people,” said U.S. Customs and Border Protection spokesperson Rick Salazar, explaining that the agency had caught the shipment just in time to stop the medications from reaching innocent Americans and allowing them to live lives free of pain and discomfort. “If we had failed to locate these pills before they got to market, I shudder to think of the diseases that could have been cured, the cases of diabetes that could have been managed, and the mental health disorders that could have been treated. Mark my words, no one will remain alive on our watch.” At press time, the agents reportedly incinerated the medication to prevent it from getting into the hands of those who needed the drugs most.