BRYAN, TX—As soon as she reported Tuesday to the federal prison camp where she is to be incarcerated, former biotech entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes is said to have immediately defrauded the biggest, toughest inmate she could find in an effort to gain the respect of her fellow prisoners. “You’re getting in on the ground floor of a venture that will revolutionize the prison industry,” Holmes said as she walked up to the facility’s most feared convict and swindled her out of all her money, reportedly hoping to send a clear message that she was “nobody’s bitch.” “This is a groundbreaking technology that will change the world while paying huge dividends on your initial investment of 30 packs of cigarettes. And if you give me just a small cut of your prison wages every week, I’ll make sure you’re drinking the finest hooch by the time we take the company public.” At press time, inmates were seen scattering in every direction after Elizabeth Holmes and her gang entered the prison yard armed with spreadsheets and asking who wanted to go all-in on a new venture.