WASHINGTON—Calling the theft a profound wake-up call amid a nationwide epidemic of drug abuse, Congress passed bipartisan legislation to address the opioid crisis Wednesday after their addict cousin Clem stole their Xbox Series X. “Today, we stand up and say enough is enough to our fentanyl-abusing shitheel of a cousin Clem, who threw a brick through our front window and ran off with the Xbox again,” House Majority Leader Steve Scalise said of the bill, which would invest $35 billion into public-health training, Narcan distribution, extended Medicaid benefits, and the hiring of investigators to see if Clem was still shacking up with LeeAnne in her trailer by the closed-down Burger King. “As a nation, we must send a message that you can’t just take somebody’s Xbox and try to pawn it at a GameStop. That’s total bullshit. Even if you are family, that doesn’t make it okay. We must act swiftly or else he might actually manage to sell it off this time.” At press time, President Biden had swiftly signed the bill into law following the attachment of a rider that prevents Clem from ever sleeping in Congress’ basement again.