NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison. “Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be permitted to complete their semesters from the New York penitentiary system,” said Columbia University President Minouche Shafik, adding that in light of recent events, all members of the community were encouraged to attend lectures virtually from the comfort of their dark, windowless, 6-by-8-foot cell. “While we wish we could continue in-person learning, the best way to keep our university safe is to allow students, faculty, and staff to complete the last few weeks of the school from behind bars. Also, should students need, they will be permitted to accept their diplomas virtually, regardless of whether they are in the back of a police van, at Rikers Island, or in solitary confinement somewhere off the grid.” At press time, Shafik added that any student who had been beaten to death could, if need be, also complete classes from their morgue.