BOSTON—Following a meltdown in the Eastern Conference Finals that saw his team lose the crucial Game 7 by 19 points to the eighth-seeded Miami Heat, local Boston Celtics fan Tim Atkinson told reporters Thursday that he didn’t have the slurs to describe his disappointment. “Watching how badly Jaylen [Brown] and Jayson [Tatum] collapsed with the Celts’ season on the line, there really are no racial slurs that can truly describe how angry I am,” said Atkinson, adding that the extent of the team’s lackluster performance couldn’t be effectively described in regular, everyday insults based on their race or sexuality. “I’m searching for the right denigrations, and I’ll be honest, I’ve got nothing. The kind of names I usually call them just don’t seem right for this situation, given how badly they lost. I’m so upset that I’m really in a state of shock, and the smears just won’t come.” At press time, Atkinson told reporters that he’d thought of one, but—no, even that one was too nice for them.