After a string of box office flops including The Marvels and Wish, Disney CEO Bob Iger has fully committed himself to revitalizing the studio. As a creative visionary in his own right, Iger has stated he’ll improve Disney movies by doing the following.
The more shareholders there are, the more invested people will be in the success of Disney movies.
Citing their success in the company’s heyday, Iger plans to recommission fan-favorite cartoon stereotypes of Jews, Italians, and Japanese people, along with all-new Muslim, Native American, and Black characters.
People love Disney’s corporate savior, so why not put him on screen? Nothing major, 40 minutes, tops.
Might as well let the people who know what they’re doing give it a shot.
It doesn’t take a genius to see why movies set in the ocean suck.
Nah, just kidding. Probably acquire the rights to Gumby or some shit.
It’s just Business 101 that the only possible answer to declining quality is to make people work even harder for less money.
Iger has insisted that any improvement in the quality of Disney movies rests on this cornerstone.
It’s worked with Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Marvel, Pixar, and the Muppets.
While he said he’d never unleash such evil on the world, the most dangerous animals are the one that are cornered.
Following the runaway success of the animated film, Iger has put the Tony winner to work in a dark dungeon beneath Disney headquarters.
Viewers would be more engaged if a character paused the story to award a Disney gift card to someone holding a winning ticket stub.
Everyone knows we’re fucked. This whole thing is fucked. I’m fucked, and you’re fucked. Let’s just start saying fuck. How long will we be cowards?
Iger wants to return the beloved character to his roots after rebranding Goofy as a queer bear chaser from 2011 to 2023.
It’s a big swing, sure, but it hasn’t been tried yet, so there’s no actual proof it wouldn’t work.
This likely won’t change how Disney’s films perform at the box office, but it will make Iger feel better momentarily.
Can’t bomb if you don’t release a movie.